Halloweiner anyone?

Due to the unexpected nature of labor and our given due date of November 4, we can’t really make Halloween plans. This is somewhat disappointing because I love Halloween – always have. It’s the drama nerd in me – I love dressing up. Well, let me clarify. I love dressing up…as something “pretty”.

As a child I was a pink pony, Miss America, a kitty, a genie, a gypsy, an angel, a ballerina, a cheerleader. Rinse and repeat.

In your late teens and early twenties, costumes take on another function, and I was no exception. I think the movie, Mean Girls, hits the nail on the head when the protagonist states, “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like total sluts and no other girls can say anything about it.” During those years I was a feathered tightrope walker, a sequined devil, a leather clad biker chick, a Grecian goddess, and you get the idea.

Notice a theme? I don’t like scary or ugly costumes. Seeing as how I’m currently lugging around all this pregnancy weight, my “pretty” costume ideas are somewhat limited. This is what I’ve thought of so far.

Elsie the Cow

Edna Turnblad from Hairspray

Mark Mangino – Could double as Edna Turnblad with the right wig

Shamu – Could incorporate Ben as a Sea Shepherd from Whale Wars


However, if the baby has arrived by Halloween and if I can pull it together, I have some ideas for her too.

Turkey – Perhaps I could dress as Martha Stewart?

Lobster - And I could swaddle her a net-colored blanket


Tootsie Roll – And we could hand out only Tootsie rolls to trick or Treaters


Halloweiner anyone?

If my theme is “pretty” costumes, the theme for the baby is certainly “hungry” costumes. Which reminds me, it’s time for my afternoon snack.

I am Lauren’s awkward orange bottle

Have you seen Fight Club?

It’s a late nineties movie starring Edward Norton and Brad Pitt. The narrator, Norton, frequently speaks in voiceover. “I am Jack’s smirking revenge. I am Jack’s cold sweat. I am Jack’s complete lack of surprise.” The viewer doesn’t know it until the end of the movie, but the narrator is actually Jack and is speaking in third person. He literally is his own revenge, sweat, surprise, etc. His idiosyncrasies have come to define him without him even realizing it.

It’s a complicated concept, but one that I’ve recently come to identify with. For example:

*I am Lauren’s swollen ankles.

*I am Lauren’s nagging voice.

*I am Lauren’s elevated blood pressure.

*I am Lauren’s achy knees.

*I am Lauren’s urine collection receptacle.

Seriously. Could this thing be more obtuse?

My pregnancy has come to define me, and frankly, it’s becoming a struggle to stay positive all the time. Thankfully I’ve got a loving husband, understanding friends, and empathetic family members who remind me that the reward is closer than ever.

The best news is that Lil’ Miss is healthy, growing strong, and may join us sooner than anticipated. She’s measuring about three weeks larger than average. Who is shocked by this? No one really. Have we met?

I am Lauren’s complete lack of surprise.

We made them an offer they couldn’t refuse.

Nothing gives you a sense of mortality more than expecting a child. Both your physician and the hospital are required to give you literature on the worst case scenarios – including maternal and infant death. In their well-meaning efforts to cover their you-know-what’s, they excel in freaking me out.

It’s not like I don’t appreciate being prepared. I am a Type-A Virgo in the truest since of the word. I get a high from a well appointed schedule – truly. Agendas and lists are euphoric. It’s just that preparing for the “worst” is a different beast altogether. Imagining your life without your spouse, or leaving your child orphaned is upsetting to say the very least.

To help us navigate this heavy preparation, Ben and I had our law firm send us a template for a last will and testament. Most of it is pretty straight-forward.

Q: Do you have a prenuptial agreement?
A: Ummm, no – considering each of us had about $200 in our checking accounts when we got married.

Q: Do either of you have children from a previous marriage?
A: Dang. Did I not mention that wild night in Juarez, Babe?

Q: Do you have children as a result of your current marriage?
Me: *jumping at a chance to gush about our baby girl* “Do you think they’d appreciate a sonogram picture? She looks so cute in it!”

Ben: *rolling eyes* “I think we should just send in a copy of her birth certificate.”

Q: Who will serve as guardians of your children in the event both of you are deceased before said children reach the age of 18?
A: Easy.

To us, the answer was obvious.

This is my brother, Brady, and his fiancée, Abigail. They are to be married on August 6, 2011 in San Diego, where they live. They agreed to be Lil Miss’ godparents, and Ben and I couldn’t be happier.

Brady is my first & oldest friend, only brother, and best confidant. Abigail is a new friend, amazing person, and someone I look forward to calling family. Brady and Abigail made the choice to share their lives together, and will serve as excellent examples of love and compassion for our daughter.

Thank you Brady & Abigail. We can’t wait to introduce you to your goddaughter.